She’s Gone…

I’ve not written anything for a while because I really have no words right now. On 22nd May I posted concern about my mum talking to herself. Loads happened after that day but the most shocking was that she passed away 3 days later.

As I sit here trying to act grown up and sort everything out, my mind keeps asking could she have been saved? Her last few days were awful and I saw it all. Her very last day was horrific and it’s all I can think about.

I’m trying desperately to get on with things, even crafting to forget but it’s always there.

Real Scary Times

I caught my mum talking to herself today. I asked her who she was talking to and she told me my daughter. The little legs was out on the front balcony with me and her dad as he was picking her up for the day… She’s been saying some random things that don’t really make sense to me for a few days now but this is concerning. It’s as if she’s seeing situations that just aren’t there. She’s also started twitching. It used to only happen in her sleep but now she’s slumped to one side in the armchair (a special recliner that the palliative nurses organised for her) and it’s as if she can’t control her muscles. I’m going to keep an eye on what’s happening and then go from there. She seemed as though she was getting better but witnessing what I’m seeing right now does not look good

When your body is just a ticking time bomb

The palliative care nurse came and had a private chat with me (just one of a number of visitors for the day). When they originally gave me the prognosis, I was told my mum probably didn’t have years left. The nurse re-confirmed it for me today that they believe it’s really only a matter of months. Signs being that as she gets more ill, her body won’t want to eat or drink and the swallow reflex will disappear meaning she’ll not be able to take her medication properly. I make all her tea, drinks, snacks & meals and more often than not, they are still there hours later until I tidy them up. I even went and bought her a McDonald’s in because I know usually she’s guaranteed to eat that. She didn’t.

Joakim Svensson – Did you ever know?

Once upon a time I used to work for a recording studio. Ha! Before you ask no, it’s really not as glamorous as it may sound but it was bloody good fun. Best job I ever had and I really do miss the people I worked with. There’s one in particular though that I’ve never been able to forget ❤

His name is Joakim Svensson. On this occasion I will use a real name in the hope that by some sort of ‘magical fate’ he happens to stumble upon this post and it all ends happily ever after…

So here it is. To the very moment you read this, I’ll still be completely in love with Joakim Svensson, years after we parted ways. I never got the chance to tell him how I felt so I’m just going to let it out here where no one knows who I am. I can only assume since I never heard from him again that the feeling wasn’t mutual but I do wish I knew that for sure. He was a very private & respectful person so maybe he’s left me alone thinking that’s what I want when he couldn’t be more wrong. He also doesn’t use computers and I’ve no way of contacting him so the likelihood I will ever know is next to none 😦

Now, I’m not your typical romantic, hearts & flowers kind of girl. He once bought me a Wile E Coyote mug (even though I love Tasmanian Devil) but that mug was like a prized possession to me, until the day my mum smashed it to bits. Yes I was heart-broken and yes, I cried.

He would text me randomly almost every day and his gentle, kind loveliness was so attractive and addictive, I’ve craved it ever since.

The day I let him walk away has haunted me forever. Why I didn’t stay in touch I’ll never know. It took us so long to get together and in only a single love-filled heartbeat, he was gone. I’d started a new job (which I hated) and his band had just split and he was thinking of going home to Sweden so there was a lot going on.

I am a realist though and know that in reality, I’ll post this and that will be that. It’ll sit here tucked away in virtual nowhere land and his beautiful, Scandinavian eyes won’t ever read a single word.

Real Life – A (ruddy manic!) day in the life of…

I should be sat rolling clay and stamping it with beautiful words & pretty patterns. That’s what a normal, every day kinda day would usually entail for me. Every part of me wants so much to get on with the thing that I love. But I can’t. My days have drastically changed and my booming online business has been reluctantly ‘put on hold’.

Many crafters go through a period of boredom or see their sales decline and shut up shop for a bit but that’s not it. I’ve suddenly gone from hard working business woman & mummy to full time carer.

This is a snippet of yesterday. It’s calmed down a bit since the first few days and the phone isn’t ringing as much now (thank god!):

• Early wake up call to inform me mum’s hospital bed will be delivered tomorrow, time to be confirmed.
• Up to feed & water 4 mouths their breakfast. This includes me, mum, little legs and the dog.
• Dish washing from yesterday (why did I make cupcakes?)
• Change the little one.
• Get everyone dressed before the 1st carer of the day arrives. This doesn’t include the dog.
• Fill & start the washing machine.
• Carer arrives (she’s very lovely indeed) Fetch stuff for the carer to be able to do her thing.
• Pop out for the first time in almost a week to grab bits needed for mum. Toiletries, clothing, many weeks worth of unclaimed pension.
• Lot’s of toddler tantrums later and we’re back. Time to make us all some lunch.
• 2nd carer of the day…
• Tidied up the wardrobe and put away a few winter coats & clothing. Not the umbrellas though… 😀
• Changed the bed. God I hate changing the damn bed!
• Have a little play time with the toddler. Not for long though, I’m still cross with her earlier behaviour.
• Dish washing for the day so far.
• Just remembered the clothes from earlier are still in the machine so just hanging that now.
• Random toddler tantrums.
• Iron the dry clothing making room for the next load.
• Put away ironed clothing.
• Sat looking at the tray of orders who are shouting at me “finish me, FINISH ME!”
• Dinner for 4 but only 2 eats. The dog and the toddler are not much different from each other…
• Random toddler tantrums.
• 3rd carer of the day turns up 2 hours late (should be here no later than 6PM…)
• Jumping in the bath!
• Change & dress little legs for bed.

I was recently told by the little lady’s dad “I can’t understand how me visiting would be a problem”. Well I actually do hope you find this post one day. You selfish jerk.

Recipe – Easy Carrot Cupcakes (the things we do to get the little ones to eat vegetables!)

My toddler is a real nuisance fusspot eater. What child isn’t at some stage right? It’s not easy feeding the little bugger darling as her eating habits are, how to put a label on it, a wee bit odd! Many kids don’t like the ‘good’ (nutritious) stuff, that’s to be expected well she doesn’t like the staple stuff either. Pasta – nope, pizza – nah, chips – na ah, aaargh!

So I have to hide stuff in the things she may eat. Like cake. I’ve labelled everything as cake for the time being just so she’ll eat it… But at least I’m not fibbing when I make these carrot cupcakes 😀 Honestly, I do consider them a labour of love. Do you know how long it takes to grate a few carrots? And please tell me I’m not the only one who manages to slice off a bit of finger at the same time?

This delicious & really easy recipe is courtesy of Tesco Real Food. Prep time is only about 20 minutes and cooking is a further 25 max.

Ingredients

• 3 medium carrots, peeled and grated
• 100g soft light brown sugar
• 80g unsalted butter, softened
• 80g golden syrup
• 2 medium eggs
• 150g self-raising flour
• 1⁄2tsp bicarbonate of soda
• 1tsp ground cinnamon
• 1 pinch of salt

Method

1. Line a 12 tin cupcake tray with 8-10 cupcake cases.
2. Combine the butter, sugar and golden syrup in a large saucepan and melt together over a medium heat, stirring to combine.
3. Whilst waiting, preheat the oven to 180°C (gas mark 4).
4. Remove from the heat, then stir in the self-raising flour, salt, bicarbonate of soda, ground cinnamon, grated carrot and eggs. Mix well until you have a smooth batter
5. Spoon into the cupcake cases and bake for 20-25 minutes until risen and a fork/knife comes out clean from the center when inserted. Remove when ready and allow to cool.

Obviously you can top them with icing, frosting, whatever you fancy. I tend not to do that bit because, well, I’m just plain lazy.

Movie Wishlist – Green Room

Just heard ‘Green Room’ advertised on Radio X, they had me at “Patrick Stewart is terrifying”…